People Insights

Emotional Detachment

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is  detached.”

- Simone Weil

Recently a friend of mine was narrating his harrowing experience of having to deal with demanding Union leaders. He said that it was difficult not to get emotionally charged when they keep their angry outbursts for hours. I was trying to Coach him on how not to get affected by this and how not to react. This reminded me of my early days at SIP Resins Ltd., where I was handling difficult unions and the place where I had learnt all about IR. I thought I should share this aspect with our readers.

One of the qualities I had developed in SIP Resins was maintaining emotional detachment while dealing with emotionally charged people. There I had to do that otherwise, I knew that in case I lose my temper they will mostly likely stop work; I cannot get them to do that. It was a difficult task but slowly I had acquired that skill. I had learnt about this first in my Social Work education and it came handy for this role. Wikipedia’s notes on this subject relates well on what I am trying to tell, I quote as below:

As such it is a deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. This detachment does not necessarily mean avoiding empathy; rather it allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings.

It is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability or difficulty in doing so, typically for personal, social, or other reasons. In this sense it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity and avoid undesired impact by or upon others, related to emotional demands.

I felt that looking at this from the following dimensions would be useful to our readers:

• Work dimension,
• Family
• Friends.

The work place perspective as stated earlier, during a dispute with the Union I used to resolve that I will not get angry and will look at it from a professional point of view and will not take it personal. I used to maintain a calm posture and will not get agitated. I needed preparation for this as this is a mental combat. During conciliatory talks though it will be a heated discussion, after coming out, I used to call the other parties for a cup of tea. Initially they used to be surprised. I used to tell them that we had been disputing over an issue and it was nothing personal. This created a rapport with the warring lot and paved the way for the resolution of the issues.

What happens when we maintain detachment is that our mind becomes very clear and will not be capable of being colored to take things personal and indulge in unwanted emotional trauma or drama. Otherwise, there will be states the mind will act wherein one will be trying to establish his superiority over the person, which will further spoil the relationship.

This quality is useful in other HR functions such as performance counseling undertaken for underperformers too. Despite the fact the sessions might be stormy, one should ensure that at the end of the meeting, the person should walk out as a person who heard an unbiased version about him and he will definitely look to change himself.

I found it interesting on how medical professionals too view this. Recently a leading group from the Society for General Internal Medicine in the UK has defined empathy as “the act of correctly acknowledging the emotional state of another without experiencing that state oneself.”We should consider the stress both doctors and nurses undergo due to inadvertent emotional attachments while dealing with patients.

How can emotional detachment help one in friendship? I found an interesting experience in a blog which I thought will share to explain this.

‘Recently one of my best friends and I planned to meet each other at a certain time in city we were both visiting. I called her when I was on the way, and in the conversation she said that I could “just go shopping outside of her hotel and she’d come down and meet me later.” Every part of my being shouted, “She’s blowing me off!” I hung up the phone feeling hurt. My drama-queen story-tellers were in the wings putting on their costumes. Before they got on stage, I called her back and I said, “Okay, I’m not trying to be pushy or weird here, but I feel like we had these plans and I don’t understand what happened.” She interrupted and said, “Oh, I’m so glad you called back to clear that up! I got the sense that you needed time and space, and I was trying to let you to have that!” Because I got a little brave and was willing to look a bit needy, we both got to laugh at our miscommunication.’ 

(Courtesy: Christine Kane’s blog-How to NOT Take Things Personally: A Practical Guide)

See how beautifully she could clear the air with a little chat, and a detached space allowed her to put forth the brave thought and get back to the normal relationship.  Being emotionally attached will not allow you to see this.

Is emotional detachment the right thing in a family? Yes, it becomes necessary in the family too. A question may rise ‘Why do you need to detach from someone you care about? Emotional over-involvement in a relationship can throw even a healthy, well-functioning person off balance. For instance, many a time we do not take a stern view of the misdemeanors of our loved ones due to the emotional attachment, whereas when we relate it to someone else our views are different. Hence emotional detachment to a certain extent is good even within the family.

I wish to conclude this article with a beautiful quote from Khalil Gibran: 

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

Whether be it in the office or in your home or with your friends (PJ’s inclusion)

PJ