Emotional Detachment

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is  detached.”

- Simone Weil

Recently a friend of mine was narrating his harrowing experience of having to deal with demanding Union leaders. He said that it was difficult not to get emotionally charged when they keep their angry outbursts for hours. I was trying to Coach him on how not to get affected by this and how not to react. This reminded me of my early days at SIP Resins Ltd., where I was handling difficult unions and the place where I had learnt all about IR. I thought I should share this aspect with our readers.

One of the qualities I had developed in SIP Resins was maintaining emotional detachment while dealing with emotionally charged people. There I had to do that otherwise, I knew that in case I lose my temper they will mostly likely stop work; I cannot get them to do that. It was a difficult task but slowly I had acquired that skill. I had learnt about this first in my Social Work education and it came handy for this role. Wikipedia’s notes on this subject relates well on what I am trying to tell, I quote as below:

As such it is a deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. This detachment does not necessarily mean avoiding empathy; rather it allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings.

It is a decision to avoid engaging emotional connections, rather than an inability or difficulty in doing so, typically for personal, social, or other reasons. In this sense it can allow people to maintain boundaries, psychic integrity and avoid undesired impact by or upon others, related to emotional demands.

I felt that looking at this from the following dimensions would be useful to our readers:

• Work dimension,
• Family
• Friends.

The work place perspective as stated earlier, during a dispute with the Union I used to resolve that I will not get angry and will look at it from a professional point of view and will not take it personal. I used to maintain a calm posture and will not get agitated. I needed preparation for this as this is a mental combat. During conciliatory talks though it will be a heated discussion, after coming out, I used to call the other parties for a cup of tea. Initially they used to be surprised. I used to tell them that we had been disputing over an issue and it was nothing personal. This created a rapport with the warring lot and paved the way for the resolution of the issues.

What happens when we maintain detachment is that our mind becomes very clear and will not be capable of being colored to take things personal and indulge in unwanted emotional trauma or drama. Otherwise, there will be states the mind will act wherein one will be trying to establish his superiority over the person, which will further spoil the relationship.

This quality is useful in other HR functions such as performance counseling undertaken for underperformers too. Despite the fact the sessions might be stormy, one should ensure that at the end of the meeting, the person should walk out as a person who heard an unbiased version about him and he will definitely look to change himself.

I found it interesting on how medical professionals too view this. Recently a leading group from the Society for General Internal Medicine in the UK has defined empathy as “the act of correctly acknowledging the emotional state of another without experiencing that state oneself.”We should consider the stress both doctors and nurses undergo due to inadvertent emotional attachments while dealing with patients.

How can emotional detachment help one in friendship? I found an interesting experience in a blog which I thought will share to explain this.

‘Recently one of my best friends and I planned to meet each other at a certain time in city we were both visiting. I called her when I was on the way, and in the conversation she said that I could “just go shopping outside of her hotel and she’d come down and meet me later.” Every part of my being shouted, “She’s blowing me off!” I hung up the phone feeling hurt. My drama-queen story-tellers were in the wings putting on their costumes. Before they got on stage, I called her back and I said, “Okay, I’m not trying to be pushy or weird here, but I feel like we had these plans and I don’t understand what happened.” She interrupted and said, “Oh, I’m so glad you called back to clear that up! I got the sense that you needed time and space, and I was trying to let you to have that!” Because I got a little brave and was willing to look a bit needy, we both got to laugh at our miscommunication.’ 

(Courtesy: Christine Kane’s blog-How to NOT Take Things Personally: A Practical Guide)

See how beautifully she could clear the air with a little chat, and a detached space allowed her to put forth the brave thought and get back to the normal relationship.  Being emotionally attached will not allow you to see this.

Is emotional detachment the right thing in a family? Yes, it becomes necessary in the family too. A question may rise ‘Why do you need to detach from someone you care about? Emotional over-involvement in a relationship can throw even a healthy, well-functioning person off balance. For instance, many a time we do not take a stern view of the misdemeanors of our loved ones due to the emotional attachment, whereas when we relate it to someone else our views are different. Hence emotional detachment to a certain extent is good even within the family.

I wish to conclude this article with a beautiful quote from Khalil Gibran: 

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

Whether be it in the office or in your home or with your friends (PJ’s inclusion)

PJ

LADDER OF LIFE – perspective shifts through appropriate distance and detachment - Yogacharini Maitreyi

What I see from down below  Looks different from the top The tiger does not scare any more And all confusion stops So I’ve learnt to distance From boors in my face Many steps back And then I feel safe Oh how freeing to take A step up the ladder of life Applying Viveka or discernment and Vairagya, distance and detach with time To discern and emotionally detach From things that don’t match My souls longing And vision for life With distance the tiger looks beautiful I’m even happy to be spotting some Or wait, was that just a kitty cat That had me run Aah, The joys of stepping up You need to head butt no more Old attachments pull less at your heartstrings Loved ones leave you less sore So step up dear ones On the ladder of life Your perspective shifts And you miss the unwanted argument and fight. And the higher the steps The lighter you feel Less and less tug at you More time to relax and heal Feeling the joy of every moment No more fight or flight One can enjoy ones own company, Commune as well as have mass appeal But that sharing comes From a safe space One has created for oneself By stepping out of the rat race The confidence comes With taking the time To be alone on the Ladder of life Yogacharini Maitreyi is a Practical Mystic and trains Arkaya Yoga teachers and Enlightened Leaders around the world.

Know Your HR fraternity Ms Kriti

Kriti came to our office almost when I first started in the Model School Road in 2005, and from the beginning became a part of the PSCS family. She never missed any of our programs. She came for her summer placement and soon after her M.Sc. in HRD Psychology was involved for a short while in my early consulting work be it a Satisfaction Survey or handling an IR issue, she will be accompanying me as she was very keen to learn. She was a very patient person and very warm hearted. She was very strong in her subjects and loved to application.

She had a flair for writing and used to do editing work for me from those days. So it was quite natural that when we launched People Insights she came on the board. She had a 3 year stint recently in England as she was working with CTS. She is now back for a good reason as she is going to get happily married to the man of her dreams. Guess when? On Valentine’s Day this year and will be soon leaving for England.

We wish her a long and happy married life and a successful professional career.

She can be contacted via email to kriti5@gmail.com

Legal insights -The concept of Community of interest

I wanted to bring to our readers notice important positions of the Supreme Court in respect of Labour Law in the next few issues. Can the regular workmen of a Company espouse the cause of contract workmen? This point came to my mind as one of my clients asked me on this aspect. I wish to refer to two case laws on this subject to clarify the point. The workmen of Dimakuchi Tea Estate, had espoused the cause of one Dr. K. P. Banerjee, Assistant Medical Officer, who had been dismissed unheard with a month's salary in lieu of notice but who had accepted such payment and left the garden. But the dispute raised was ultimately referred by the Government for adjudication under s. 10 of the Act. Both the Tribunal and the Appellate Industrial Tribunal took the view that as Dr. Banerjee was not an workman within the meaning of the Act, the, dispute was not an industrial dispute as defined by S. 2(k): It did go up to the Supreme Court which held that the expression 'any person' occurring in S. 2(k) of the Industrial Disputes Act, 1947, cannot be given its ordinary meaning and must be read and understood in the context of the Act and the object the Legislature had in view. Nor can it be equated either with the word 'workman' or 'employee'. The two tests of an industrial dispute as defined by the section must, therefore, be,- (1) The dispute must be a real dispute, capable of being settled by relief given by one party to the other, (2) The person in respect of whom the dispute is raised must be one in whose employment, non- employment, terms of employment, or conditions of labour (as the case may be), the parties to the dispute have a direct or substantial interest, and this must depend on the facts and circumstances of each particular case. Applying these tests, the dispute in the above case was concluded that in respect of a person who was not a workman and belonged to a different category altogether, could not be said to be a dispute within the meaning of S. 2(k) of the Act. This concept became a guideline for future cases. In the Gujarat Electricity ... vs Hind Mazdoor Sabha & Ors in 1995 the Supreme Court observed to a similar query wherein the permanent workmen had taken up the cause of contract workmen that there can be no doubt that there is community of interest in this case between the respondents and the workmen of Ramji Gordhan the Contractor and Company. They belong to the same class and they do the work of the same employer and it is possible for the company to give the relief which the respondents are claiming. The respondents have also a substantial interest in the subject-matter of the dispute, namely, the abolition of the contract system in doing work of this kind. It observed that the respondents have a community of interest with the workmen of the contractors and therefore it is an industrial dispute and the reference was competent."

Sarah A. Scala  Principal Organization Development Consultant at Sarah A. Scala Consulting

FIRO- What? An Assessment that looks at interpersonal needs 

This is the question I often get when I begin a FIRO-B workshop with teams. FIRO-B stands for Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation - Behavior. The FIRO-B assessment was created in the 1950’s by Will Schulz to predict how members of the military would interact. This tool is now used in many organizations to help people to understand the interpersonal needs of Inclusion, Control, and Affection.

Definitions:

Inclusion - Relationships and people association

Control - Persuasion, decision making, and influencing others

Affection - Closeness, connections, and emotional ties to others

Expressed - How much does the person initiate the behavior to others

Wanted - How much does the person want to receive these behaviors

(Source: Hammer A. and Schnell, E. (2004). Introduction to the FIRO-B Instrument in Organizations.Mountain View, CA: CPP.) 

The FIRO-B assessment is completed online before the workshop and usually takes 15 minutes. Results are shared later during the team development workshop. They are rated on a 0 - 9 scale for each need, with 9 being a very high need and 0 being an unnoticeable need. A detailed report is created helping participants understand these results and needs. During the workshop, groups become aware of their Expressed and Wanted levels of Inclusion, Control, and Affection. If participants approve, a team report is also created showing differences and similarities. The team data is quite helpful at understanding team dynamics. 

Learning about needs has been important for intact or cross-function teams because it helps members to understand what each member of the team personally needs. Although it may seem, at first glance, that these needs are “soft” and not important for business teams, it is in fact quite helpful to be aware of your own needs and the needs of your team members in order to successfully collaborate. 

For example, if you are a manager and you have an Expressed need of Control at a level 9, and your direct report has a Wanted need of Control at level 2, the manager could be driving the associate crazy because they do not want as much control put on them. They may perceive their leader’s Expressed control as micromanaging and may believe that he/she does not trust them.

The results of the FIRO-B assessment can change over time, unlike some other assessment tools. It is not uncommon for results to change if a person has been through a significant change, trauma, has a new role, or joined a new company. People may feel that they need to behave in different ways based on these changes and their report will show this. 

From this awareness, participants are not asked to change their needs to match, but instead asked to be aware of these differences so that they can accommodate the needs of members of their team while having their personal needs met. There are no good or bad results with the FIRO-B assessment, but simply awareness of where people’s needs are.

When I use FIRO-B with corporate teams, participants have later commented that the awareness of needs has truly had an impact on their relationships with the manager and team members. One manager said, a few weeks after the program, “I had no idea my needs were so different from some of my direct reports! I am working too hard in some areas which are unnecessary, and also expressing my needs for control more than team member’s would like. This has truly changed the way we interact, and my direct reports seem to be happier and more engaged.”

CPP has a registered trademark on FIRO-B which is the same company that has the rights to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).